I have to admit, it wasn’t exactly love at first sightwith Oahu Island in Hawaii, but as the relationship progressed I discovered more and more awesome aspects of Hawaii’s tourism hub that impressed me, and i would definitely go back to spend some more time there in a heartbeat. We actually stayed on Oahu in 2 separate parts, and had 2 pretty different experiences…

We initially got there ex Australia and stayed at Waikiki for 3 nights. We had always intended on chilling and relaxing (aka “chillaxing”) during these 3 days. We hung out in the hotel, went for some nice walks around Waikiki, but didn’t really smash a lot of activities or sightseeing. Pretty much meal & drinks time were the big events and we visited some great restaurants and bars during this first part of our stay, which I think intro’d us as much to the USA as a whole and the way yanks eat and drink when they’re out (like tipping, what to order, how much to order, tax etc.) as much as it did to Hawaii. Basically, this was our “American Vacation” time in Hawaii i.e. staying in this incredible tropical destination and pretty much living like we would anywhere else in the States, but just wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

And I actually enjoyed the shit out of myself joining in with “the Americans”. Anyone who knows me knows i like the occasional meal and beer, so here were some great places where we consumed stuff:

HULA BAR AND GRILL - A cool little tiki bar and restaurant. We went for the Plantation Bar which had a view of the live Hawaiian entertainment (ukeleles and all), but the restaurant had views of the beach if you’re into that. This was our first dinner in Hawaii and instead of ordering massive burgers, we went for the option of “Pupus” which is basically Hawaiin tapas. We had some great dishes (the crab and macadamia wontons) accompanied by some great cocktails (the Pa’ina Punch) and considering this was bam smack in tourist town, the prices weren’t too bad. 

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Where:  Kahului Ale House, Kahului Maui Hawaii

Name and Description: “Basic Burger” - All Natural Maui Raised Cattle 5 oz. burger, locally grown lettuce, tomato, onion. (Add Cheese $1.50 extra)

Ingredients: as above

Table Additions: Ketchup

Served with: Tropical Slaw

Price: $10.75 (+ $1.50 for cheese)

Score: 8 out of 10

Comments: Another top-qual-burg choice. The burger patty itself was absolutely incredible. It was massive and flavoursome like a meaty touch of god. unfortunately the rest was a bit on the boring side, locally grown obviously doesn’t equal the best in Maui… I also appreciated the various sides that were offered as part of the price and the extensive beer menu (I went for the Mirror Pond Pale Ale which was a real treat to wash this down). All in all a solid burger, and if I found myself in this area of Maui again I wouldn’t hesitate to walk right by Wendy’s and grab a burger and beer at this Ale House. 

Where: Cool Cat Cafe, Lahaina, Maui Hawaii

Name and Description: “Luna” - This fabulous burger is dressed with bacon, melted Jack cheese, avocado, mayo, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, onions, and thousand island dressing. 

Ingredients: as above

Table Additions: Ketchup

Served with: none

Price: $12.99

Score: 9 out of 10

Comments: Now this is a farkin burger. Comparing this to the previous 4 attempts is like comparing chocolate to carob. Seriously, this is one of the best burgers I’ve ever had, everything worked together like a dream. Like a big, meaty, lucious wet dream filled with hopes and love… The extras were very splendid too and only added to the burger flavour, pickles being the standout. And it was in one of the nicest places to eat too; Cool Cat is like a 50’s style diner, but overlooking the beautiful Lahaina strip right on the water. (I think you’d have to be in a considerably bad mood not to enjoy a meal here.) The only point lost here was due to the slightly higher price than usual (which, when i think about it, was probably worth it) and the fact it didn’t come with a side, but that’s at a stretch… If I ever go to Lahaina again I will definitely be dropping into Cool Cat for another burger and Bud Light or 2. 

note: coincidentally, after going there i read that they have been named “Best Burger in Maui” 5 years in a row. Boom. 

Where: Cafe Mambo, Paia, Maui Hawaii

Name and Description: “Crispy Duck Burger” …

Ingredients: crispy duck, grilled onion, cheddar cheese, tomato, lettuce, salsa, mayo

Table Additions: none

Served with: Green Salad

Price: $10.95

Score: 7 out of 10

Comments: This was a Zoe order… And what a quandary! This one probs would have got an 8… The duck by itself certainly deserved it, twas farkin lursh. But in the burger with all the other stuff it just felt wrong. It felt like I was eating really good leftover chinese takeaway in a bun with salad. If this was “Lach’s quest for the best leftover chinese sandwich” it probably would be a 9, but alas… 

Where: Cafe Mambo, Paia, Maui Hawaii

Name and Description: “Aloha Cheeseburger” - Organic Beef with a slice of grilled pineapple

Ingredients: beef patty, pineapple, cheddar cheese, tomato, lettuce, salsa, mayo

Table Additions: ketchup

Served with: Green Salad

Price: $11.50

Score: 6 out of 10

Comments: In probably the most commercial diner in all of hippy town Paia, this was a Health Burger without the health. The “Organic” Beef patty was a nice idea to appeal to the alternative and chem-concious locals, but unfortunately it lacked that Beeftown USA flavour. But points were picked up by the incredibly fresh salad & extras in the burger, and also for offering a side salad instead of fries for a side option, which didn’t leave you feeling pregnant with twins if you finished your meal. Good burger, but not quite great. 

Granted, this may go for all of America, but so far in Hawaii everything is so much bigger than anywhere else I’ve been… For egg-sample:

• Cars are bigger - not everything is massive, but i reckon every second car that drives past is bigger than our old studio apartment in Kings Cross

• Food is bigger - everyone has heard it before, servings are bigger in USA. But even down to minor snacks it’s bigger e.g. Doritos come in 340g bags not 175g like in Oz. And i seem to be full after every farkin meal, even when I hold back from ordering everything i want on the menu.

• People are bigger - now this isn’t the age old dig at fat americans (even though there are a lot) I’m talking tall and built. Being 6’6”, it used to be rare I’d pass people on the street who were taller than me. But in 2 days I’ve literally passed about 30 dudes, and a few women, who are taller than me. But not only that, they look like they could bench about 1million lbs in their sleep. 

• Toilets are bigger - maybe this has something to doo (*high five*) with the above 2 points, but toilets here are about half a foot longer than in Oz. And there is a lot more water sitting in them! Seriously, if you miss in these bowls, you’re either dancing while you go or you have some serious aim issues. 

• Pharmacies are bigger - drug stores, as they’re called, are the biggest things I’ve ever seen. And they sell everything you could imagine. If you had to buy a carton of beer, headache tablets, make-up, some chips and chocolate, maybe some tupperware, a camera, a mobile phone, something for dinner, and a nice bottle of wine to go with it, then boom! the drug store has it all. 

• Beers are bigger - and cheaper… yeeeooow!

This list may get bigger (boom) once we reach the mainland, but this is what my little Australian face has noticed so far… 

Lach

1. Back the team with the most red - the reds always win.
2. When a guy catches a ball on the side line, drink and go “woohoo!”.
3. Madonna is awesome!
4. When the skinny white guy can’t throw the ball because he gets tackled by the big black guy, drink and go “woohoo!”
5. When someone yells out “yeah, giants!” give them a high five (and remember that they are not just excited about your very tall boyfriend).
6. The Superbowl is the name of the NFL grand final, not the competition.
7. When everyone drinks and goes “woohoo!”, drink and go “woohoo!”

Where: Moose Mcgillycuddy’s Pub, Waikiki, Hawaii USA

Name and description: “The G.O.B. Burger” - Our Fabulous Grilled Onion Burger with Sauteed Mushrooms and Jack Cheese

Ingredients: Mushrooms, Jack Cheese, Lettuce, Tomato, Burmuda Onion, Thousand Island Sauce

Table Additions: Ketchup

Served with: Garlic Fries & Ranch dipping sauce (extra $1)

Price: $10.45 ($11.45 with chip upgrade)

Score: 6 out of 10

Comments: This was Zoe’s order and another good delivery from waitress Sommer. I obviously didn’t eat it all as it was Zoe’s, but the 2 bites i had were a real fuckin treat. Again as with my burger, the beef patty and cheese were yum-fuckin-o, but everything else was just OK, so points had to be deducted, but by no means did it ruin the burger. And I tell you what, the cheesy garlic fries that accompanied it were quite splendid, even if we were smelling like vampire slayers for the rest of the afternoon.

Where: Moose Mcgillycuddy’s Pub, Waikiki, Hawaii USA

Name and description: “University Burger” - highly ranked bacon & intelligent cheddar on a set of coed buns

Ingredients: Bacon, Cheddar, Lettuce, Tomato, Burmuda Onion, Thousand Island Sauce

Table Additions: Ketchup 

Served with: Fries

Price: $10.45

Score: 6 out of 10

Comments: Sommer our waitress served us a mean burger meal for our first burger in the USA. Very good beef patty and cheese, was let down with the extras unfortunately, but still enjoyed the shit out of it. But was the perfect quick yet not too big meal to accompany our bud lights on Superbowl Sunday while watching the game.  

At first, you think it’s going to be an easy, cheap ride. But really, you end up sacrificing your money and your dignity for something to nibble on, some extra leg room and an all access entertainment pack. Jetstar, you win.

However this does not detract from the quality of the plane trip. We were seated in a two seater (no awkward middle passenger), it was a completely smooth flight and we were able watch films, Moneyball, Warrior and My Idiot Brother  - all highly recommended!!